Don't let me Fall

i LOVE Lenka!! Not too many people know of her...but i love her music!! Don't let me Fall is one of my favorites!

        Speaking of Fall...Tomorrow is the first day of Fall! I am SO excited! I love this time of the year!!! I looove gloomy days, rainy days, windy days, and cozy days :) Ryan, on the other hand...hates them! I'm sure he'll enjoy them a bit more once he's married, cuddling with his wife, drinking hot chocolate, and watching episodes of The Office. *stares into the distance* ok Ok OKAY, I'm back. So like I was saying, I loove the fall! The office where I spend 6 hours a day is surrounded by trees, and I love that! I love watching the leaves change color, fall off, get carried away with the wind, and eventually be replaced by bright green leaves. Ahhh, I'll take pictures sometime soon. So anyways, I have the bad habit of following blogs of people that I don't even know! I know that's strange...and they are probably freaking out! lol but I don't do it to stalk them and find out where they live, I just LOVE reading about newlywed couples! I think I just want to know what it would be like...you know? and yes, I know that it'll be the total opposite of what I expect...but still. lol

Moving on.

       Today, I was thinking about how most of my friends don't work as much as I do...and they get financial aid, and they go to school full time, and they're much closer to graduating than I am, and that their parents handle most of their expenses...and I was so upset! I know, it's horrible. I was experiencing this little thing called jealousy. ever heard of it? yeah, it stinks. I wasn't jealous of my friends, or anyone in particular... I was just jealous of the situation. does that make sense? My whole life I've had to work for what I have...well, most of it. So for example, right now I'm working about 30 hours a week and going to school part time....this semester isn't bad, but I've had past semesters that were horrible! anyways, I hate that I can't hang out with my friends during the day because I'm working, I hate that I cant hang out with them at night because I'm at school. and on the weekends...honestly, all I want to do is enjoy my sweet man and my family.

     Speaking of my sweet man...he works SO hard! ahh, I admire him so much! He gets up at 5:00...drives an hour to work, gets off 8.5 hours later...drives home, showers, and drives to school. Somewhere in between school and sleep, he manages to make me the happiest girl alive. He's so amazing. I wake up every morning wondering how I happened to meet the most wonderful man on earth. I've always loved superman, but I've realized that Superman has NOTHING on my Sweet MAN. :) I know..cheesy. but so TRUE! you know what...after typing that....I don't feel bad for myself anymore. lol oops. So yes, that's my little tribute to the man that does it all. My love, my baby, my hard worker, my talented, sweet, handsome, caring, patient, perfect, obedient, amazing MAN. *Note: as I was typing this.... I get this little message from him:
" I love you, I love you, I love you, te amo, te amo te amooooo. Te voy a dar todo mis besitos. Buenas noches mi amor!"

Yeah, Like I said, he's perfect.

Enough said.



:)

Oh Dear...

This Week has been rough!
Things at home have been a little crazy. Nothing extremely horrible, just a few things here and there. My mom and her bf argue over dumb things. And I always stress over my sister and the baby. She might be moving out soon, with her bf. So, We'll see. I just want everything to be okay with her and the baby. Work has been good, but my boss has been so rude lately. ugh... he's so arrogant! School...its finals week! so that is self explanatory. As for Ryan, everything was fine, up until last night. He asked me something that offended me, and it just kind of ruined the day. It was our 16 month-aversary yesterday, so I was hoping it would be great, but it didn't turn out that way. But it's okay. I'm quick to forgive, so things are better now. Well, that's about it.
 

Onto a few positive things: 

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  I have a surprise for Ry, and I haven't ruined it! He has no clue!

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  I cooked enchiladas yesterday and they were delicious :) 

• 
  
  

  I bought Ry a Dodger hat and it fit! lol 

• 
  
  

  We played Monopoly with Ry's family, and I won! It was fun :) 

  Sooo, yeah. That's it for now!
  

Exhale

          You know that feeling...when you've been holding your breath for a long time? And you feel the pressure in your lungs, you feel like you actually NEED Oxygen, and you know that as soon as you exhale...that next inhale is going to feel like such a relief! Well..last night I exhaled and inhaled and it felt great! :) I had a lot of things on my mind and I let go of them and I'm moving forward! I feel like a brand new person! I'm so gateful for having such an Amazing Man in my life. He listens to me and he knows how to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world! I am absolutely in love with this Wonderful Man.
         When I was growing, I didn't have the best childhood...I experienced a lot of horrible situations at home. My dad was a wonderful father, but not the best husband. So I witnessed a lot of domestic abuse...physical and emotional. And I always wondered why all those things happened to me if I hadn't done anything bad to deserve that..and I always hoped to have a happier life as an adult. My mom always told me "I hope you are blessed with a wonderful husband" and I always hoped for the same thing. But now that I've been blessed with such an amazing boyfriend...I know that he will be the wonderful husband I always hoped for. I know that he was meant to be a blessing in my life. I know that everything in our lives happened for a reason...and the outcome of all those things led to US. The bond that we have is so sweet. It's not only a physical attraction, but also a spiritual one. I can honestly say he completes me. I am soo deeply in love with this Man. He's on his way home right now and I can't express how excited I am to see him. The hours seem to be 10 times longer than usual...so I'll try to keep busy at work :)

Love,
Stephanie Arcos

Titles

girl·friend

 /ˈgɜrlˌfrɛnd/ Show Spelled[gurl-frend]

–noun

1.

a frequent or favorite female companion; sweetheart.

2.

a female friend. 

boy·friend

 /ˈbɔɪˌfrɛnd/ Show Spelled[boi-frend]

–noun

1.

a frequent or favorite male companion; beau.

2.

a male friend.

3.

a male lover. 

I know what a girlfriend is...but I think I'm at a point where I've been Ryan's girlfriend for soooo long that it feels like I'm more than that lol... and that's when things get confusing. I want to treat him like more than just a boyfriend, but what's in between boyfriend and husband? [with the exception of fiance...because that's basically a husband]  And then there's those awkward family picture moments...where the family is taking pictures and you know you're not a part of the family, but it feels like you are, so you're not sure if you should be in the picture, does that make sense? lol It's not too bad for me, since I'm always the one taking the pictures. lol But its still a strange situation. I tend to over analyze a lot of things, so I'm going to stop. lol I'll just continue being his "frequent or favorite female companion; sweetheart". I don't HAVE to know what he's up to ALL the time, so I'm going to back off and chill. Because the reality is I'm just his girlfriend. I have to stop getting upset at him for dumb things...I really do. It's my fault...I need to recognize my title and expect nothing more than what comes with it. 

Love, 

Steph  

2010

I just realized I haven't written anything this year!!!! I've been keeping up with my personal journal, but not on here! Anyways, lets get started!

Family:
They are doing pretty good, well no...I lie. lol They actually aren't doing so well...
My mom and sister are inactive, and my 16 yr old sister is pregnant and due in May. It's been a bit of a roller coaster for us :( I'm not very good at sharing my feelings. I'm not good at ALL! And I know that's bad... but its just really really difficult to just talk about it. When we first found out that she was pregnant was back in January...I came home from school and I had picked up the mail on the way in. When I got to the kitchen, I saw a letter for my sister that came from a clinic,and i got worried and opened it...and that's how we found out. Not a very good way to find out at all..but I guess there wouldn't be a good way to find out. My mom started crying and started blaming herself...etc. I didn't know what to say. I was literally speechless! And I knew that if I were to have said something, it would be something mean, so I kept my mouth shut. I will just support her and try to be there when she needs me :) So anyway, things were a bit crazy, but right now they are going okay... They still don't go to church, but I continue going! It's a little sad to sit by myself, but as long as I am nourishing my spirit, everything will be fine! So, that's that.

School and Work:
Both are going pretty good. My history class is SUPER boring!!! But I've gotten good grades on the quizzes, so I'm not too worried! The writing assignments are a bit intense :( So I am not looking forward to them.. Work is busy...I'm working 5 days a week now...30 hours. I love the paycheck :) I've been saving my money, and im proud of myself!

Ryan:
He is doing fantastic! We celebrated our 1 year anniversary on February 5th! It's amazing how fast time flies! I still remember his black emo hair lol! Goood times! We're doing great, people ask us about marriage ALL the time! It gets annoying at times and it makes it a bit awkward, because as a girl... I never know what to say when they ask "When?". Little do they know...that we're on the SAME boat! lol i have NO idea when Ry is going to "pop the question"! It's a little frustrating at times and I get in a strange mood every time we go to weddings! I start saying things I don't mean...like "I'm tired of YSA activities..." lol and a bunch of other ridiculous nonsense. Ryan can tell RIGHT away...and he calms me down. But I think I have the right to feel a little frustrated, I'm a GIRL! We dream about our wedding day since we're 5! So, I try to understand why I feel the way I do, and just move on. Patience is a virtue. On some days I realize how young I am and I begin to think that it would be crazy if I got married! But then I look back on my life and think of ALL the events that presented themselves at an early part of my life. I grew up a little too fast. I just...I don't know. My brain is in a knot...literally lol. :) We've had our ups and downs, at some point I didn't feel as appreciated as I thought I should be...and I told him about it and we came up with ways that he can be a little more appreciative. So far, he's doing alright. I just wish things were like they were a year ago...when he couldn't go a day without seeing me, and he would show up at random times and throw stuff at my bedroom window just to give me a gatorade..lol Or even when he brought me some Sunflowers, out of the blue! But I guess that was the first stage...the "honeymoon" stage. We're obviously in a different stage of our relationship, and that's fine. I feel more connected with him. We're more in tune. I know when he's having a bad day, I know when he's mad, sad, frustrated, happy, excited...etc. And it goes both ways, He reads me like a book! At times its a little uncomfy for him to show affection in public..because we had different parents. My parents were very loving...but it didn't last too long, they got a divorce by the time I was 8. His parents don't show too much PDA..but they have such a sweet relationship that is going to last for eternity. So, I want to have a hybrid of the both...I LOVE to show him that I love him! I like to randomly hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, rub his cheek, etc.. But for him it's a little different. He isn't that creative with showing his love, but then again, he's a guy. Guys tend to be like that. But enough about that!
We've done some fun stuff this year! We went to a play, Visited Cafe Rio, Went to a HP dance, Ry had a bday party, Went to Victoria Gardens, went to Phoenix Restaurant, and a lot of other fun stuff! I think for now, I'll enjoy every minute with my Sweetheart! He makes me really really happy! I adore his family! Michelle is really kind and funny! We always pick on Ryan when we're together..lol! Lisa is sooo friendly and helpful! She always helps me with my chocolate dipping :) Mike is quiet, but once you get him to talk...he's funny, intelligent and very sweet! And Holly, I only got to meet her a few times, but she's hilarious and very friendly! :)

Me:
I'm doing okay. There are quite a few things on my mind...The other night I had a break down. It was terrible! My dad was killed in Mexico about 2 and a half years ago. He was shot in the back of his left ear and on his back. When my mom told me that he passed away, she just said he was in an "accident"...a couple of days later I googled his name and I found the newspaper article that explained how he was killed. And ever since then, I've had nightmares, and just horrible thoughts about him :( I didn't get to attend his funeral so I don't feel like I ever got closure.
After finding out that he was shot, I began to have this huge fear of guns. I start to freak out when I see one...and I don't know how to get over that fear! I probably need a psychologist. My bed is right next to my window and the other day I started picturing someone shooting at my window, so I got scared and slept on the floor. I don't think that's normal...I started crying and I felt so lonely! I prayed, called Ryan and we did a prayer together. He helped me calm down and I was finally able to sleep. It's really hard for me to talk/write about all this. I never really talked to anyone about my dad. I just locked myself in my room and cried for days! I think I need a blessing, that will help.

Well, its getting late and I'm really tired, Good night!

-Steph

I've made a decision...

:I'll be transfering back to my Spanish Ward! :)

Happy Sunday :)

So this morning I decided to go to my Spanish Ward. I woke up and got ready....and I thought my mom and sister would be joining me, but! when I went downstairs they were gone! So...I called them [no answer] and waited for a while. So I went by myself. Church was really nice :) An friend of mine that isn't very active came to church so I was really really happy to see him! The 2nd counselor came to me and told me that the bishop wanted to speak to me, so I went to talk to the bishop and we talked for a while. It felt so nice to talk to him! I've known him since I was in primary so I feel really comfortable speaking to him :) We talked about everything... He asked about my mom and my sister and why they haven't been attending. And I spilled my heart out. It's so difficult to be the only active member in my family! It is soooo difficult, but I've tried to be strong and so far....I think im doing ok :) What kind of worries me is that...my mom and my sister are my only family members that are LDS. So if I were to get married, they would be the only 2 family members of mine attending. And...if my mom continues to be inactive, she wont be able to attend :( And it makes me so sad to think that I'll be alone in the Temple.. And today the Bishop pointed that out and told me "Stephanie, Remember that salvation is individual...and if your mom is not at your wedding, that won't make a difference in your salvation." and he's completely correct. I may not have the ideal LDS family, but I'm trying my best to break the pattern and have my own LDS family who attends church regularly and lives the norms of the church :) I know that all of these trials aren't easy for me, but the only thing I can do is learn from them and be a better person. I'm thankful for the many blessings in my life. The bishop also asked me about Ryan. I told him "he's amazing and I truly love him" and he said "Well Steph, I hope this is a great example of what blessings can come when you live the gospel... In your case, Ryan is a blessing in your life" and its true :) I love my GIANT blessing!

So.. Thats my Sunday so far. A little emotional...but overall great :)


Love,
Steph